theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I'm like, not good at living.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
