You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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