Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
You're breaking my sexual little heart
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
