I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
