So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Randomize
