I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
