Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
