Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I need water and some morals
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
