Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
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