Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
