I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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