We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
