Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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