So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
