She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
