well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
