Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
