I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
