rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
party gras won. party gras always wins.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Randomize
