Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
