oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Randomize
