I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
