New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
The beer is more important than you right now.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
