im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
