it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I want to fling myself into the sun
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
