Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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