I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
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