who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
