considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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