When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Randomize
