im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Randomize
