I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
