The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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