Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
