You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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