So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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