her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
