I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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