goodnight i made you a song goodbye
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Randomize
