I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
