I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I enjoy the company of your penis
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
