$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
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