i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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