just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
