He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
