his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Drake has all the answers
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
