I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
