My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Randomize
