I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
