tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
