cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Randomize
