If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
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